Channel Dumb
by Kari and KyonKyon
Summary: My fellow tortured teenagers, despair not! The façade of that terrible evil which calls itself Channel One has been torn and its true nature now shines through! Come, enter our realm and see freely for once the open stupidity of Channel Dumb news!


Channel Dumb

{Rambunctious music is heard as the opening credits are scrolled across the screen. A timer appears and the quote of the day is flashed as it counts down.}

"Mother, I should have listened to you. Always chew your pretzels before you swallow."– George W. Bush

{The music fades away as the screen does and is quickly replaced with hip pop music as the camera swivels, giving the audience a nice view of the ceiling and the technical crew before focusing in on two people sitting by a small card table. One man looks up and flashes a smile.}

Man: Hi, it's lunchtime wherever you are. I'm your host, Seth Doane, this is some famous person named Tiger Woods, and you're watching Channel Dumb news.

{A glitzy fifteen-second action sequence, which involves a number of red and blue robots destroying a bunch of suspiciously sinister-looking people while accompanied by some techno music, is flashed across the screen before the view returns to the people at the card table.}

Tiger: Welcome back! Our top story today involves someone very dear to us all. Right, Seth?

Seth: That's right. *flashes another smile before his face turns very serious* Just last week, President Bush announced that we are falling out of favor with other countries. Apparently, the Axis of Evil is continuing to grow, and now they are armed with new weapons. They have gained weapons of mass destruction! To find out the horrifying truth behind his statements, we sent one of our reporters to one of these dangerous terror zones, where anti-American sentiment is high. Right, Janet?

{Scene flashes to Janet, who appears to be standing in an airport.}

Janet: That's right, Seth. I've just returned with footage of my personal journey into this horribly terror-stricken zone, which I'll display for you now.

{Scene changes to some pre-shot footage of a different airport. Janet's face is diagonal on the screen, as if they are being forced to shoot this discreetly.}

Janet: We've just arrived in Great Britain, where turmoil is tearing the land apart. As they aren't very friendly toward journalists at the moment, we've told the admissions office that we're here as tourists to cover for the fact we don't speak their language very well. So we have to be very, very careful we aren't seen shooting any footage or we could get arrested. *smiles roguishly* Ready to go?

{Janet is riding a bus and pointing out the window while whispering in a not-so-quiet way to the camera, her face again diagonal on the screen.}

Janet: Great Britain is having some serious economic problems right now, as can be seen by the noticeable decrease in people walking aimlessly down the roadside. Before the civil war back in the eighteenth century, hundreds of people could be seen wandering the streets and lining up for job interviews. Now employers are lucky to receive twenty applicants, as more and more people are starting an abnormal routine of leaving their houses at eight, walking into mysterious buildings, emerging from them around seven, and returning cheerfully to their homes. Officials are baffled by this bizarre behavior and claim that nothing is wrong, but it is almost certain that terrorist anxiety is causing the problem. *voice over* But that's not the worst.

{Scene flashes to a small, ordinary grocery store that Janet is walking in. Her face is, yet again, diagonal on the screen.}

Janet: I walked into this store to buy a gallon of milk and look *holds up a bottle which is conspicuously labeled "2% milk – one half liter."* As you can see, they have switched their measurement system on us to make it different from the rest of the world! This is most certainly a definite sign of growing anti-American sentiment. I also found this *holds up a newspaper that has a cartoon in one corner.* It looks inconspicuous enough, but I read through it and it's full of cartoons ridiculing our beloved president, President Bush! Apparently, it written by a extreme leftist group here who call themselves "The New York Times." I fear that we are becoming very unpopular here due to the increasingly terrible terrorist problems since September 11. We may be on the brink of war with a fourth country. 

{Scene flashes back to Seth, who ceases playing Go Fish with Tiger Woods, and turns to the camera.}

Seth: Thanks for bringing us such condemning information, Janet. I applaud your bravery for risking your life once again by journeying into such hostile and unfamiliar territory. 

Janet: *tosses her hair over her shoulder and smirks* It's just my duty to bring the facts to the common people, Seth.

Seth: That's right. Now, on the subject of Great Britain, currently the most closely watched terrorist activity center, President Bush has said we must realize they are a dangerous enemy, but that we also must promote peace at all costs. Therefore, after the show, you need only place a Great Britain poster next to your Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and Kim Jong Il dart boards. Promote peace and patriotism by learning to solve your problems nonviolently. And now for the commercials.

{A man is seen struggling to climb a steep cliff. As he reaches the top, conquering all his goals, a uniform appears on him and words are flashed across the screen: "The few. The proud. The Marines." Found in the background music are the lyrics: Ymra eht nioj.}

{The camera once again gives the audience a generous view of the ceiling as it is pivoted into place and focuses in on the duo at the card table, who are now playing a game of War.}

Tiger: Ha! Now I have _three_ aces! *realizes they are back on* Oh, uh, welcome back again! We have some more, uh, news about, uh, something for you! Seth? *returns to card game*

Seth: *glances up briefly from cards* That's right, Tiger. We have good news from the National Bureau of Health! It seems that drug use _and_ abuse are down since yesterday. This new-breaking study was conducted courtesy of Cingular, who coincidentally also does our "Question of the Day" surveys three times a week. 

Tiger: Great coincidence. What drugs are down exactly?

Seth: Umm . . . *checks palm* stare droids.

Tiger: *uncertainly* Umm, yeah. We had a big problem with those back in . . . 1995. *pauses* Last Thursday, too.

Seth: *very cheerfully with much facial expression* But they're down today! And all our surveys point to a continued decrease in the next twenty-four hours!

Tiger: Now _that's_ good news.

Seth: Sure is! And everyone be sure to remember that drugs don't solve problems! They only create them!

Tiger: Don't depend on anything for your performance!

Seth: That's right. After the commercial, we'll give you the results to our Cingular "Question of Day." 

{A boy walks into a kitchen. "So how was your day?" Cue flashback as the boy remembers being chased down the halls all day by rampaging animals. He then takes a bite of new Pop-tart SnackStix. "Fine. It was fine," he replies as he walks upstairs. More lyrics found in the background: Smelborp ruoy lla evlos nac taht sgurd ekil gnihtemos s'ereht!} 

{The cameraman seems to have finally gained some control of the video camera as we only get a 270-degree view of the room before it focuses in on Tiger Woods and Seth Doane, who are now both attempting to play Solitaire with half a deck.}

Tiger: Shoot, I don't have any red sixes. *looks at Seth* Do you have both of them?

Seth: I don't know. I'm stuck. I think I'll have to deal again. I don't see – *finally realizes they are back on the air* Oh, hi! Umm . . . yesterday, we asked you a question and you responded to it. Here are the results to . . . *squints to read large print cue card* Do you think "the war against terror" is being taken too far?

{Flash to a red screen with the question spread across the top and the results listed at the bottom.} 

Seth: *voice over* Eighty-two percent of you answered "no" and thirty-eight percent of you said "yes."

{Flash disclaimer stating a "possible" margin of error in an impossibly small font across the bottom of the screen.} 

Seth: *still voice over* Sarah from some great school says, "No, I don't think we're going too far because we got hurt badly in the attacks by Australia on September 11 and we still haven't gotten vengeance." But, Bobby from a not-so-good school disagrees, saying, "Yes, I think we are going too far in the 'war on terror' because you're still bothering to ask the same question four months after you originally asked." 

{Scene flashes back to the card table without much fanfare for once.}

Seth: *flashes a toothy smile* Well, we've certainly got a couple of crazies in this country. But we're almost out of time, so we can't do anything about it. *looks at Tiger, who has finally managed to win his game of Solitaire with half a deck* So, Tiger, you like to play cards? 

Tiger: Uh, sure. I guess.

Seth: What else do you like to play?

Tiger: Golf, I suppose.

Seth: *disinterestedly* Right. And why are you on our show?

Tiger: *looks at him in disbelief* Um, I'm famous for winning a whole lot of golf tournaments.

Seth: *looks back at Tiger in disbelief* _You're_ a pro golf player?

Tiger: Uh, yeah. They say I'm the best.

Seth: Then how come you didn't know about stare droids?

Tiger: Um . . . I don't think those exist.

Seth: Sure they do. They're what all the professional athletes use to make themselves better. See, I wrote the word down on my palm to make sure I wouldn't forget it.

Tiger: *reads Bob's palm* *his face darkens and he shouts* I do not use steroids! 

Seth: Suuuuuuuure you don't. *gives audience a roguish wink* 

{Scene fades to black with more hip pop music as Tiger leaps up and begins strangling Seth.}

{Flash motto in monochromatic white on black: "Vote. Sound off. Be heard and be silenced."}

{Flash final disclaimer: Segassem lanimilbus evah ton od ew.}


End file.
